Broken Promises

I really enjoyed the television show Evil. It was the perfect blend of theology and skepticism explored on a dark comedy/horror backdrop. As strange as it sounds, watching this show (that never really sides with religion or agnosticism) reminded me of what I missed when I had religion in my life. That sense of hope and belonging that I just can’t seem to find in my secular life.

I think that is why the show appealed to me so much, each episode was centered around a case presented by the Catholic Church, to a group of assessors to determine its validity. You had a priest, a psychologist, and a scientist approaching these strange X-Files like occurrences and trying to make sense of it all. That complex approach to a mystery is not too unlike how my daily life feels. I approach each strange day and event with the curiosity of a scientist and the logic of a psychologist, yet I don’t have the faith of a priest to fill the gaps. Sometimes when I look at a situation, I can easily explain it with science or psychology, but sometimes I can’t. I can’t comprehend how people act the way they do, or why they do what they do. I struggle to feel good about the world and in those moments, I miss faith. I wish I had something to lean on in those uncertain and dark moments. I wish I could just blame certain things on being evil.

In the final episode of Evil, there is a great exchange between Ben (the scientist) and David (the priest) where Ben asks David why he believes in God and why he remains a priest.

You don’t think I think about this every single day? I am committed, I am sworn, here. I am pledged to God. If that sounds like the middle ages to you, well, then fuck it. I am the middle ages because I am sick of all the broken promises in this world and all the other shit. Evil. Five minutes on this computer, and I want to put my fucking head in an oven or commit to something above it all. I will not break this promise, even if it breaks me, even if I [sighs] even if I need Kristen.

I made bold the part that really spoke to me. When I watched the episode, I actually stopped it just to hear it all over again. Broken promises… that explained so much of my malaise with the world and yea… the computer part resonated too.

Often, I feel like there is an underlying layer of anger within me. It manifests into depression mostly, and it never seems to fully go away. I believe that the source of this rage is the broken promises of life. Maybe my views of the world were skewed by television or maybe I was just naive, but it seems like every element of life has been a colossal disappointment to me. It ranges from career dissatisfaction to basic phone etiquette, but I really don’t find a lot that I like about this world.

All I can think is “It’s not supposed to be like this” or “It doesn’t have to be like this,” yet neither of those thoughts bring much comfort. When I lean into Stoic or Eastern philosophies there is the idea of “The only thing I can control is my emotions and my response to something” which is fine and dandy, but that really doesn’t offer me much comfort. It’s almost a dismissal of how truly crummy the world can be, and I really don’t like that.

A few weeks after watching the finale of Evil, I watched The 4:30 Movie which also featured a quote about lies.

Most people come to the movies to escape their lives, but people like us, we come here because movies make life make sense. Out here man, the world is full of lies. But in there, they tell a lie that tells a truth.

While this quote felt a bit less authentic than the first and a bit more like a stoner rambling, I was surprised once again hearing someone speaking about the lies of the world. And while I’m sure this refers to the same sort of thing like the promises that hard work pays off, everything is fair, people will treat you the way you treat them, etc. I can’t help but also think about the other lies, like the lies of advertising or the internet.

Earlier this week, I was listening to the latest podcast from The Art of Manliness, and they were interviewing the CEO of F3, the men’s group that offers free boot camp style fitness classes. I’ve been curious about giving F3 a shot, since I could use some fellowship in my life, but the podcast actually turned me off for the same reason it probably turned people on. This particular podcast was discussing how the fitness classes were just a way to get people in the door, the actual goal of F3 was to help build leaders. Leaders in your home, community, or work, it was a way to help cultivate those skills and help men find purpose.

I mean, that’s an amazing agenda and one that I normally agree with one hundred percent. The problem for me is the ruse. I just wanted to go workout with some guys and see if I liked it. I didn’t want there to be an ulterior motive, even if it comes at no cost is for the better of myself and others. I’d just prefer you be upfront and honest about it. Again, I’m just sick of the lies.

I think the world has just burned me out. My desire for authenticity is just too much to overcome at times and like David, in the quote above, I’m sick of broken promises.