Today, I Escaped My Anxiety
Today did not go how I expected it to.
This morning, I woke up later than usual, because I was able to work from home and start work a little later in the day. The reason for this was I had a training a couple of towns over at 12:15 PM and it was going to run longer than my usual 4:00 PM quitting time.
I’m always a little irritated by a change in schedule, but I managed. I got in my comfy chair, had a meeting with my boss, and then got to work. Then I made a crucial mistake: I looked at the news.
I’m not sure why, but I visited my local news site and I saw some bad news about my healthcare premiums going up and coverage going down. The article did its job at enraging me and putting me in fight or flight mode. I tried to get back to work, but I just couldn’t perform the way I wanted to. I felt tightness in my chest, and anger. I wanted to lash out at someone, and in my mind, the only person to blame was my father. He voted for this nonsense, he defends it, it’s his fault, I thought to myself. Who is he to preach to me about working for the government and not being able to buy a home. And so it began… my mind was off to the races.
I tried to calm myself down, but I wasn’t able to. It didn’t help a few minutes later, some layoffs were confirmed for my agency. I ruminated for hours, and felt the black cloud of depression lingering over me. The only relief I found was when I got a few minutes to play Robocop Rogue City on my lunch break, prior to leaving for my training. I felt refreshed after a few minutes of escapism, and I was proud of myself for recognizing that I was in fight or flight, and finding something to calm it.
I got dressed, and then got into my car when I noticed my check battery light was on. I just replaced my battery two months ago, so I knew it wasn’t bad. My car has hit 120,000 miles, so I figured it was the alternator.
This put me in a pickle, this training was mandatory and something done just once a year, but my wife was out of town for work, so I had no other vehicle. I started to drive to my training, but I thought better of it. Odds are my car would die, and I’d be stranded in a not so nice part of town, with no real way to get home. I’d have to deal with AAA during rush hour, which would be a pain in the ass. So, instead, I whipped into the local repair shop near my house and then walked home.
Luckily my boss was okay with me missing the first day of training, and thirty minutes later the repair shop called to tell me it was the alternator and my belts were due (I was planning on doing this in the fall) and it would cost me $712. Not really having any other options, I agreed to the price and went about trying to enjoy my free day.
Of course, I couldn’t. The price sent me into a financial panic, and I found myself redoing my budget, and looking at part-time jobs. I immediately began cancelling plans that I was considering for this summer and once more, I felt stuck. Here I was, in fight or flight once more, and it felt like this time it just compounded with my anxiety from earlier in the day.
I knew I needed some relief. I’d been torturing myself for hours today, and I just needed a break. Once my car was finished (about four hours later), I walked back over to pick it up, stopped by the grocery store for some diet soda, and then came home to think about how to proceed.
Once more, I was proud of myself for recognizing the anxiety and the tension inside me, but how could I put a stop to this? I went hunting for relief on the Happier app, but I didn’t find it. Those teachers talk too much.
A quick YouTube search wasn’t any better, nor was a quick question to ChatGPT. How could I calm my mind and stop freaking the hell out? I thought about Kassandra, the yoga teacher I wrote about the other day, and how much I enjoy her yoga videos. I decided to see if she had any meditation or calming videos, and sure enough she did.
Guided my her calm voice, I repeated the affirmations as directed in my mind as I concentrated on my breath. Then I heard a magical sentence that made everything better:
This situation will pass, so I choose to deal with it calmly.
I’m not sure why this resonated with me so much, but it did. The moment I repeated it in my head, I felt like a massive weight lifted off of me. I can deal with this calmly. I’m going to be alright.
Recently, I began working through Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks: A Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety by Seth Gillihan.
I haven’t had the best experience in therapy. I’m more of a do-it-yourself type of person, and I really didn’t have much hope for this workbook, but it was on sale one day, and had great reviews, so I figured I didn’t have anything to lose.
Within the first couple of chapters, I realized that the diagnoses I received at a younger age seem to ring true: clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. The depression, I feel like I can navigate well. I have tools at my disposal and while it’s never fun, I don’t feel helpless. Anxiety is a whole other story.
Last year, I attempted a few different anti-depressants in hopes of helping my anxiety, but I never found relief. But, today, armed with the knowledge of what to look for when it comes to fight or flight, I was able to offer comfort to myself.
(I should note, the book Mind Your Body by Nicole Sachs that I’m also reading has been a huge help in providing me with the information to recognize when I enter such a state.)
So, today kinda sucked, but today was also a bit of a win for me. Today, I was able to take control of my anxiety, make friends with it, and allow it to pass through me. I think Marcus Aurellius would be proud.
