My Own Worst Enemy
In Lit’s 1999 hit, My Own Worst Enemy, one particular lyric has always stood out as being a bit more relatable than most.
It’s no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy. Cause every now and then, I kick the living shit out of me.
Today has been one of those days.
After having a pretty good day yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling a bit beat up. I hurt my foot the other night at Kung Fu, and I even have a rather nasty looking bruise alongside my big toe. Accidents happen and I understand that a period of adjustment may be necessary when starting something new, but that sort of reason was not in my mind this morning when I woke up hobbling. I began with the emotional thrashing by telling myself I wasted money signing up for classes. I told myself that I was not ready, and I needed to be in better shape. Not only was I not physically capable of doing this without injuring myself, I also didn’t have the mental power to learn the forms and master them. So, not only did I suck at this, and my own laziness over the past decade has caught up with me, I’ve also spent a reasonable amount of money that in all honesty, we do not have right now. I kept reminding myself, I should have lost more weight first.
Already feeling down about my physical condition, I then spun off and began attacking my finances. I have another post I’ll post later today or maybe tomorrow that touches on finances, but I had to make a tough decision about a job and ultimately the decision I made was fueled by the amount of money it paid. We looked at our budget a couple of weeks ago, and with our rent going up, food going up, well… we aren’t as financially healthy as we thought we were. We’ve also burned through our savings, so that fact has brought on more stress than usual. I spent time thinking about jobs I’ve left, jobs I’ve turned down, what I’m doing now, and how I can maximize my income and that just turned into another emotional flogging.
With my overthinking in charge, I felt the nausea begin to overwhelm me and my temper shortening and that’s when I knew I needed to do something. What was that something? I needed to stop. Just stop. Stop thinking, stop ruminating, stop second-guessing, and planning. I needed everything to cease in that moment, and I needed some peace. I opened up Apple Music, found some late 90’s music and then I put away my journal where I was planning out my latest workout. After a while, I started writing this post, which is actually a pretty big win. I managed to stop, soothe, vent, and reflect. Now, I plan to spend my evening relaxing with some chill TV. If I feel up to it, I may get a workout in or maybe some yoga. Everything else can wait until tomorrow, when I decide to stop kicking the shit out of me.