Visual Noise and Exhaustion

I had a strange weekend, but before we get to that, let’s back up a few weeks to see what led to it.

One day, I was sitting in my living room, and I realized I wasn’t comfy. No, the furniture was fine, it was more of the decor. My living room has a bit of an identity crisis. First off, I have cats, and with cats come toys, cat trees, and rugs that don’t stay in place. Then I have the typical “adult” stuff like a nice table that holds my TV, a bookshelf, a couple of recliners, end tables, and whatnot. Then finally, there is my other stuff like two racks full of DVDs and CDs, an old Nintendo, a handful of action figures, and basically the same sort of stuff I’ve had in my bedroom growing up. These items were once my pride and joy to display, but on this particular day they were a curse.

I like to refer to it as a visual noise, but the way I described it to my wife (who gave me a look like I was insane) was, “I’m sick of so many words facing me.”

Yeah, I guess that does sound a bit nuts but indulge me for a moment.

I’m not sure how many DVDs I have, but I’m guessing around one-hundred and twenty. I also have a row of CDs that is probably eighty-deep. So, that means there are at minimum two-hundred eye-catching spines fighting for my attention. There is also my bookshelf, the random brand logos and labels, and the stuff in my kitchen which opens into the living room and can be seen from my chair.

I’m not sure why I got so pissed off about it, but I realized I was surrounded by words, and I was sick of it.

So, I moved my small DVD/CD rack upstairs and then moved the action figures and random decor. I decluttered a bit, and to be honest, it didn’t help.

Stay with me, because this is about to get a bit more odd.

I’ve been struggling with the idea of authenticity. I’m just so sick of things not being what they pretend to be. Sure, politicians and corporations present themselves one way but are actually another, but of the course of my life I’ve discovered that most things are like that. Nothing is really what it seems, and everyone is out to twist and manipulate you and your emotions, usually in pursuit of a dollar. Church, streaming services, nostalgia-bait, car mechanics… I mean, I really can’t name anything that isn’t trying to screw me for something. If it’s not my money, it’s my data. And maybe it’s just because we have so much more of it these days, but I guess the right word is exhaustion. I’m just exhausted by it all.

Last week, I struggled to watch TV. Nothing felt right. I felt like my emotions were being manipulated by stories or this was only being presented to sell me that. My wife watches a lot of reality TV, and I’ve seen enough to see all the patterns. Every season, someone screams “medic” for something that isn’t all that serious. The cooking show host claims risotto can’t be cooked in thirty minutes, when I’ve seen it done at least a dozen times this past year. This fake sense of urgency and difficulty, it’s just all too much for more these days. I was never a fan to begin with, but now when she turns on a show, I’m just downright disgusted.

But its not just reality TV, it’s the focus on mental health and trauma in horror movies. The illusion of a rational world in Star Trek. The false sense of reality in sitcoms.

When I was a teenager, I’d trash these types of forms of entertainment out of angst, bitterness, and snobbery, but my frustration twenty years later is something else. I mean, I love horror movies, Star Trek, and sitcoms, but I think I feel betrayed by the lack of authenticity. For example, the writer shoehorning in their own trauma growing up into a horror character. It feels so forced and unnecessary, or the Trek writers presenting a world that doesn’t suck for the most part. Again, the word authenticity comes to mind.

Oddly enough, I don’t find myself frustrated while reading. I’m not sure why, since the author has designed the same fictional world as the TV writer, but maybe it’s that I feel an author has more control. His book has gone through less focus groups and has less of a corporate agenda to “say this or that.” It’s irrational, but that’s just how I feel.

So, Thursday night, I’m watching Strange New Worlds. It’s a great episode. Beautifully shot, wonderfully acted, and a very engaging story. I get about halfway through, and I realize my emotions are being played with. I’ve being made to feel a certain a way, and I just closed my iPad. I was done.

I believe my emotions are just spent. I think after years of movies, television, the news, and the internet, my emotional capacity has been used up. I’m constantly being told what to feel by people who deem themselves worthy (influencers, marketers, random assholes on the internet) and my brain has finally said, ENOUGH and I just can’t take it anymore.

I think this is partially why I felt so attacked by the words in my living room. These random fonts are approved by marketing teams to catch your eye. As weird as it sounds, its just another form of manipulation.

I think I also saw that in the various pop-culture action figures and trinkets I have lying around. These items were sold to me by tapping into my nostalgia, to this carefree feeling of youth, and I thought I could recapture that by making a purchase. Instead, I got fifteen seconds of happiness, followed by a set of Ninja Turtles collecting dust for six months.

Is it so wrong to just want something that feels real and genuine?

So, my weekend was weird, because I didn’t feel like watching TV. I found I was able to distract myself with some video games and I did manage to watch some Rick and Morty and The Family Guy, but not much else. Instead, I just sat, flipping through streaming services, downloading old video games, and trying to think my way out of this situation. It didn’t work, but around 7 PM last night, I got up, and I moved the rest of my DVDs upstairs. Then I redid the bookshelf, decluttered, and began organizing things. I’m trying to make my living room as low stimulation as possible and reduce the visual noise.

Last week, I began cancelling streaming services and a few weeks ago, I cleaned off my phone and iPad. I’m not exactly sure what the solution is here, but I need less stimulation and a break from all the messaging. Heck, last night I began peeling the labels off my deodorant in an attempt to cut down on the noise. I’m hoping I can find some suitable storage solutions, before I end up in a padded room screaming about being attacked by words.

So, yeah, my weekend was a bit strange, and my mind is completely focused on finding ways to relax a bit more in my own home. Maybe I need to embrace minimalism once more, or maybe I just need a little break from the TV and the internet and stop the assault on my senses.