The Crossroads

I tend to catastrophize big decisions. I visualize myself walking up to a crossroads and having to choose a path, not knowing where it’ll lead and with the dread that I’ll never be able to approach this same crossroads again. So, I stress myself out. I overthink, I list pros and cons, I ignore my gut feeling, and I try to rationalize the decision. In my eyes, every big decision (jobs, housing, cars) is life and death, literally at times. I’ll think to myself, if I don’t take this job, I won’t be able to pay bills, I’ll lose my home, and eventually my life. I always feel like I’m one bad decision away from the grave.

Of course, this is irrational thinking. Every decision I make, even as small as leaving work five seconds earlier, could result in a major change in my life, or even the end of it. So much of life is left up to chance, and I think that is why I obsess over trying to control what I can, and in my most recent case, it has been a job offer.

Last week, in the midst of a terrible time at work, I got a call, and a job offer for something I interviewed for a few weeks ago. It was wonderful. The money was not much more than what I make now, but the job would be more meaningful and would have more potential for growth. It was partially what I was looking for (more money being the only negative), but it would come with a minor cost, a very thorough background check.

Having never been in trouble with the law, never drinking or doing drugs, and living as clean and moral life as I feel possible, I wasn’t worried about a background check. I mean, there is nothing to find. But the background check would involve contacting my ex-wife, who I know will not have nice things to say about me, despite being untrue. They also want login information for social media, my blog address, and even old social media accounts. I understand the nature of this job requires some due diligence, but somewhere in there it feels like a line is being crossed and that doesn’t sit well with me.

I also worry that it would waste some good people’s time. I’ve been very lucky to have some great past supervisors and folks who’ve stepped up to be my references in the past, and these folks just gave me references a few months ago. Having them go through another line of questioning, this time more intense, and then having the job offer pulled out from underneath me because of something my ex said, or because I couldn’t remember one of the two dozen different usernames I used on Twitter or Facebook just seems like a waste.

And so, for the past week, I’ve debated, is the risk worth the reward?

I reached out to some friends, talked it over with my wife, and ultimately the biggest determining factor comes to money. Is it worth this headache and possible heartbreak, for an extra $2k a year. I don’t think so.

Had it been $10k, definitely, but to make basically what I’m making now, with a further drive and more responsibility, I just don’t think it’s worth the continued stress I’d experience over the next couple of months while this background check plays out.

So, once more, I approach a crossroads with anxiety, and I make what I feel is the best choice. Is it? I’ll never know, that is just the nature of the world. But I’ll trust my gut and just hope for the best. That’s all we can do.